Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Being Single Again

Being single again sucks. For the most part I'm okay with it, but I do have my moments. The Boy was a big part of my life for the past 10 years. We've been through so much together. If you would have asked me 3 or 5 years ago where I thought I would be in my life 10 years from now, my answer would have definitely included being married to The Boy or at least still being with him. I do miss him and I still love him, which is part of what makes this so hard. We just aren't the same people anymore and we've grown apart. Who knows - maybe someday we'll be able to get back to the place where we love each other again...

As I said previously, I've never been much of a dater. The Boy and I had been together since I was 18 so the dating world is all new to me. I had mentioned before about starting a potential new relationship, but I that may be over for now. The Potential New Boy (TPNB) and I were friends before The Boy and I broke up. We were friends in high school, but just reconnected last summer. Now here's the part that is kinda scandolous...I knew TPNB was starting to have feelings for me and I was developing feelings for him too. The Boy and I were "on a break" before we officially broke up and were free to go out with other people. At that time TPNB wanted to start a relationship with me. I told him I wasn't ready to just jump into another relationship right away. TPNB was dating somebody at that time so I told him to just keep dating her while I figure things out. I wanted to just take things slowly and not be serious. TPNB and I continued to hang out or whatever while he continued to date the other girl. Eventually TPNB decided that he just couldn't do casual with me. It had to be all or nothing. That with me he couldn't not be serious about our relationship - should be flattering right? It was just too much for me. I can't do that right now. TPNB also thinks that I need time to get over The Boy. I guess he's had similar experiences in the past and that makes him a bit wary of starting things with me. So we have decided to wait and see what happens and he is still dating the other girl. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be I guess. It does make me sad and hurts a little bit. And is it wrong that it kills me that he is dating someone else? I just wish that he would give me some time and not date other girls. That's selfish, I know. I just know that we could be so great together. We get a long SO well and really really match. We always have a good time when we're together and we have really great chemistry. He's so sweet and I can tell how much he really does like me and appreciates me for who I am, which is part of what makes this so hard for me.

Other than that, I have been asked out a few times. I've declined all the offers. After The Boy and TPNB I'm just not ready. It does get lonely, but it's also exciting. My friends are all determined to help me find someone new. There's been talk of speed dating and girls night out and online sites. It all sounds fun. Not to knock those who do it, but I don't know if i'm ready to join any dating sites yet. It's a very strange and scary time for me, but I know it's good for me and should be fun. Sometimes it's hard to remember that though.

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